I thought it was supposed to get easier. It has been almost two months since we found out the tragic news of losing our dear friend. I would have thought that the feeling of loss and sadness would have gotten easier. I can't sleep at night which means that I sleep a few hours during the day then do a few things in the office, but I don't seem to have much motivation to do much else. I know that there are things that I need to do like work on commissioning paperwork and do some outside reading for sermon prep and things like that but I just can't find the motivation.
There are days that go by where everything seems just fine and then there are days that I am like what am I doing? What am I doing here and why am I doing this. I seem to be in a state of uncertainty at times. Not that I am questioning my call because I truly believe I am doing what I am meant to do, but sometimes I wonder what it the point? I guess part of the reason is that I am truly scared of what is to come. How can I make it through all the things that I need to do when I don't feel like I have the confidence to do any of it? I look around me and feel is this all there is? Is there more? All the words of comfort that people tell one another just don't seem to do it for me. I have heard them all and they just seem like empty words to me. If another person tells me they are sorry I think I may scream at them. I know that they mean well but saying your sorry doesn't make the pain go away any easier. If anything I think that it makes the pain worse.
